How to Be Single by Liz Tuccillo

Author:Liz Tuccillo [Tuccillo, Liz]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Atria Books
Published: 2008-04-19T05:00:00+00:00

Unfortunately, Serena had let go of her apartment, something no one in New York should ever do, whether for a relocation, a marriage, or a baby. Only if you’re dead, then maybe you can give it up. Even then, try not to.

But Serena did. So now she was hairless and homeless. As I had sublet my apartment, and Serena didn’t have money for a hotel, she didn’t really know what to do. So she called up the one person who would understand the depression into which she was about to plunge. She called Ruby and asked if she could crash at her house. Ruby, being Ruby, immediately agreed.

When I heard what happened, via a text message, I thought it might be best to do a conference call. I even asked Georgia to come by to make sure the two of them were going to be okay together. I worry sometimes.

Alice and I were still in Sydney, packing to take our trip to Tasmania. Ruby was sitting at her dining room table with Serena and Georgia. They were all on speakerphone and I shouted my disbelief.

“A guy who’s not supposed to be having sex with anyone was having sex with at least five different women!?”

“Who were all more than happy to share him. THEY WERE ALL MORE THAN HAPPY TO SHARE HIM,” Serena shouted back.

Georgia just shook her head. “Wow. Now celibate guys are having harems. It’s the end of the world.”

“Maybe they should just start euthanizing us all,” Ruby said, almost to herself.

Everyone gasped, even me, on the phone.

“What?!” I said, hoping that my connection had made me misunderstand.

“I mean it,” Ruby said matter-of-factly. “Just like with the dogs. Maybe the mayor’s office should just start killing off all women who are ill-tempered, not in perfect health, have bad teeth, or whatever. To give the good candidates a better chance at finding a suitable home.”

We were all stunned into silence. Clearly things at the animal shelter had started to get to Ruby.

Serena finally asked, “You’re the one I’ve decided to live with to cheer me up?”

Georgia said, “Ruby, I don’t know you very well, so please forgive me if this comes out wrong, but if you don’t pick up the phone and quit that volunteer job right this minute I will have to punch you in the face.”

“Seriously, Ruby, that was the worst thing I have ever heard anyone say in my entire life,” I added.

Georgia started to laugh. “I can’t believe you actually said that.”

Serena started to giggle. “You actually suggested that the city start gassing us.”

Ruby threw her head down on the table and started laughing, starting to see how far she’d fallen. “Oh my God, and I still kind of believe it. I’m losing my mind!”

Alice and I were in our hotel in Australia, listening to them all scream with laughter.

Georgia took out her cell phone. “Gimme the number. Of the shelter. Now.”

Ruby did as she was told. Georgia dialed her cell phone and handed the phone to Ruby.

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